When did I become such a boring blob?
Seriously, I know I’m 30 now and I’m supposed to be all grown up, but I feel like all I do is work, sleep, eat and veg out. Then when I do get a day off, I spend it in an uneasy stupor – worried that I’m going to waste the day and not achieve anything, but too apathetic to do anything about it. Is this the life that people work for? If so, it’s rather underwhelming, to be honest.
“Ahh,” a sage, Godly mentor, fresh from a neatly structured Daily Bread-guided quiet time may remark, “You need to get back to basics. Get on your knees before the Lord. If you’re too busy for God, then you’re too busy. You need to give it over to Him. He deserves your first-fruits, not the dregs left over. The very least he requires…”
“No shit,” I would interrupt sarcastically. “Believe me, there’s nothing I would love more right now than a little Godly guidance. But I just can’t do it by myself, and as far as I know, the Godly Guidance franchise hasn’t set up a shop in Launceston yet. Fuck knows I’ve looked for it.”
“Ahh,” the all-knowing, been-there-done-that-bought-the-t-shirt sinner-turned-prayer-warrior might reply, “The church is the people, not the building. And people aren’t perfect. That’s why you’ll never find a perfect church. And if you do, then as soon as you join, it won’t be perfect any more. If we were perfect, then Christ wouldn’t have had to…”
“Look, Captain Cliché, if I’d wanted your opinion, then I’d have asked for it, okay? Shouldn’t you be off somewhere writing your sermon for this Sunday? I don’t want a perfect church. I just want somewhere I can go and connect with God. Is that really too much to ask? Isn’t that what church is supposed to be about, after all? I don’t give a toss if there’s a hip-happening music team, or a funky Powerpoint display to go along with the bite-sized easily digestible dot point sermon, or if the pastor has a trendy jacket and ‘goes the extra mile’ for his flock. I just want pure, undiluted God. I need him to renovate my heart before it crusts over any more than it already has.”
“Ahh…”
“If you say ‘ahh’ one more time, I’m gonna go all dentist on your ass and rip your teeth out.”
So yeah, I’d love to find somewhere where I could regularly meet with God and hear what he has to say to me, but I seriously doubt such a place exists. And when I go looking for it, I end up having conversations like that one and unintentionally offending people. Or intentionally offending them, if they’re super annoying. I have to amuse myself somehow, you know.
Connecting with God is so hit-and-miss. Sometimes, when I’m not looking for it, it smacks me in the face. And other times, when I’ve especially set aside time with a cup of tea in a comfortable spot, ready for the long haul, then all that comes into my head is shit – like what I watched on TV last night, or a conversation I had with someone, or what pointless activity I’m going to attempt on my day off. There is no formula. Which is a good thing – I don’t want to be able to control it.
Or maybe I do. I dunno. Maybe that’s the problem.
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2 comments:
Well this is exactly how i feel..and i'm 21!
I used to be very uneasy on my days off too, but i just thought about how stupid that was to waste them like that, and how worrying doesn't change anything, and so i chose not to feel like that and now i appreciate them more.
Yes i wish Christianity was that easy, just tap in and get a dose of god. But i've noticed he speaks to me on his terms not whenever i want it. You're so right it's hit and miss. So how do we deal with this?
When i posted about all this on my blog a friend responded by saying maybe i focus too much on this experiential Christianity. And that it's really about having faith, despite not feeling/knowing/hearing from god as often as we'd like.
Corn.
Come on do your annual look over the last year kinda blog!
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